September 18th, 2011
I read three sticks a few months ago ( see picture of “Exhibit A to the left of this piece)….I didn’t realize in that moment how much bringing you into the world was going to rock mine….but it’s ok because….
Today I am realizing, or maybe I have always known…that my passion in life is to be your mother. Yes, that will not win me any accolades in the woman’s lib movement. Maybe if you’re a girl some day you’ll relate to me and feel the pull between really “making something of yourself” as a woman in a man’s world and…… “just” being a mother who is passionate about raising her own kin right. I am passionate about the way you grow, what you’re going to need and what I can give you while we’re living in a 650 ft square apartment in downtown Vancouver. I am passionate about how I am going to bring you in to the world, and look after you inside of me the best way I can. How I will dress you, teach you manners, sit with you while you do your schoolwork and pick you up from lessons or sports or whatever you do. I am passionate about being your mother and not the Globe and Mail deadline that sits in front of me. I know some day I’ll spread my wings again, but for now, I’m really ok with “just” being your mother.
In this day and age I need to write this piece so I can contribute to giving you a life on a monetary level….but if I could have it my way I would be having you in 1908 and my job would be to be your mother and to help other mother’s carry and deliver their babies the way we were all meant to- consciously. Maybe I don’t want to be a subservient turn of the century house wife, but….maybe I’d be a midwife, like my great great grandmother was. She looked after her many children while helping other women give birth to and raise their own children. She had a job, but her moto was “family first.” When you are born I will hold you in my arms and say to you
“ Welcome to the world________you are hereby invited to rock my world. Pleased to meet you, I’ll be playing the role of your mother.”
I’ve just finished speaking to one of my reporter friends. She offered me a job back in Germany where I have worked twice before. The money is great and the work is palatable. I like it. I told her I was expecting you and she said “ sorry, no pregnant women,” the tone of our conversation shifted instantly. She felt bad for saying it so boldly but the work is on a military base, long hours and ……though she didn’t say it in as many words….the men we’re usually working with work interview better with a woman not carrying a few extra pounds on her that live predominantly on her belly.
I instantly felt limited.
Sure, I could have lied and not said anything and just showed up pregnant but I really don’t feel like being put in a judged… being the one who “lied on her resume.” Like I say, I wish you were my job at the moment. You want me to stay in one place and not fly on airplanes, you want me to try and get 8 hours of sleep every night, you don’t mind if I look a little chubby and don’t walk with my usual “swagger.” I chose a career that might not always be cool with me being your mummy….like, how am I going to go back and work in Africa while you’re at home? Maybe, the universe is telling me it’s time to officially make the change. I’ve attended a few births….maybe after I attend the birth of you we’ll see what happens.
Yes, you’ve already managed to rock my world but you know what? I like it, I think your father likes it ( as he may have grown tired of chasing me around the globe), and I think you like it too.
All right come on baby, I’m taking you to our mundane desk job here in Vancouver, but watch our space.