Viewing by month: January 2012
September 18th, 2011
I read three sticks a few months ago ( see picture of “Exhibit A to the left of this piece)….I didn’t realize in that moment how much bringing you into the world was going to rock mine….but it’s ok because….
Today I am realizing, or maybe I have always known…that my passion in life is to be your mother. Yes, that will not win me any accolades in the woman’s lib movement. Maybe if you’re a girl some day you’ll relate to me and feel the pull between really “making something of yourself” as a woman in a man’s world and…… “just” being a mother who is passionate about raising her own kin right. I am passionate about the way you grow, what you’re going to need and what I can give you while we’re living in a 650 ft square apartment in downtown Vancouver. I am passionate about how I am going to bring you in to the world, and look after you inside of me the best way I can. How I will dress you, teach you manners, sit with you while you do your schoolwork and pick you up from lessons or sports or whatever you do. I am passionate about being your mother and not the Globe and Mail deadline that sits in front of me. I know some day I’ll spread my wings again, but for now, I’m really ok with “just” being your mother.
In this day and age I need to write this piece so I can contribute to giving you a life on a monetary level….but if I could have it my way I would be having you in 1908 and my job would be to be your mother and to help other mother’s carry and deliver their babies the way we were all meant to- consciously. Maybe I don’t want to be a subservient turn of the century house wife, but….maybe I’d be a midwife, like my great great grandmother was. She looked after her many children while helping other women give birth to and raise their own children. She had a job, but her moto was “family first.” When you are born I will hold you in my arms and say to you
“ Welcome to the world________you are hereby invited to rock my world. Pleased to meet you, I’ll be playing the role of your mother.”
I’ve just finished speaking to one of my reporter friends. She offered me a job back in Germany where I have worked twice before. The money is great and the work is palatable. I like it. I told her I was expecting you and she said “ sorry, no pregnant women,” the tone of our conversation shifted instantly. She felt bad for saying it so boldly but the work is on a military base, long hours and ……though she didn’t say it in as many words….the men we’re usually working with work interview better with a woman not carrying a few extra pounds on her that live predominantly on her belly.
I instantly felt limited.
Sure, I could have lied and not said anything and just showed up pregnant but I really don’t feel like being put in a judged… being the one who “lied on her resume.” Like I say, I wish you were my job at the moment. You want me to stay in one place and not fly on airplanes, you want me to try and get 8 hours of sleep every night, you don’t mind if I look a little chubby and don’t walk with my usual “swagger.” I chose a career that might not always be cool with me being your mummy….like, how am I going to go back and work in Africa while you’re at home? Maybe, the universe is telling me it’s time to officially make the change. I’ve attended a few births….maybe after I attend the birth of you we’ll see what happens.
Yes, you’ve already managed to rock my world but you know what? I like it, I think your father likes it ( as he may have grown tired of chasing me around the globe), and I think you like it too.
All right come on baby, I’m taking you to our mundane desk job here in Vancouver, but watch our space.
August 9th , 2011
Dear little one,
Well, since I last wrote you I had the pleasure of hearing your heartbeat and seeing you on an ultrasound screen at 10.5 weeks of age. Though you looked to only be the size of a potato you’re little heart flickered like a flame in your chest and made me smile. I read that at around your age you start twitching and moving but you you didn’t move very much. I asked the ultrasound technician if you were too young to move and she said sometimes babies your age just stay still. Right at that very moment you bounced right up, as high as you can go and you started moving your almost non existent little limbs. It was almost like you wanted mummy to know you were alive and well. I was so happy I cried and daddy squeezed my hand because he was so happy too.
Dad thinks you are a boy, I’m not sure what you are but every day that passes I love you more and more. I have decided to have a midwife deliver you. Deep down mummy would like to be a midwife too so she is glad that one will be looking after you and I. When mummy was little she wanted to be a doctor, a dancer, a singer or a firefighter. I wonder what you will be.
Mummy’s tummy is very tiny, it’s almost like you are not there. I told my midwife sometimes I don’t even feel you are inside me. So, the midwife put a little Doppler on my tummy and we heard your heart just beating away, you’re heart beats at a rate of about 140 BPM. I sometimes can’t believe that mum and dad made you all by ourselves and that now you have a heart rate. If you are a boy we are thinking of naming you Joel (Mommy’s favorite singer from her home town of Nova Scotia is named Joel), Simon ( Because your Grammy Sullivan wanted to name her son Simon but she never had one), Peter ( Peter is your grandpa’s name) . If you are a girl your name might be Evelyn ( You had a great great aunty named Evelyn, or Ev for short), Ina or Ena ( you also had a great great aunty named Ena from Whales), Lily-Jayne ( cause it’s cute and a double name like mine), Anais ( which means sweet smelling), or Ama ( That was mummy’s given name when she lived and worked in Africa). Hello sweet baby. You are now about 5.5 inches in length and I love the business of growing you.
The other morning I got out of bed and daddy said ” wow, you really are pregnant”. I have finally “popped” which means people finally look at me and know that you are inside me growing. This makes me so happy. We have been thinking about what we might name you again. We are now thinking if you are a girl we will call you Ina-May Evelyn and if you are a boy your name might be Simon, Joel, Peter (after your grampie)or Sidney.
Daddy also asked Mommy to marry her. We were at a beautiful beach over on Tofino Island in Bc. YOur daddy placed mommy’s grandmother’s diamond engagement ring in some seaweed. When I found the ring he got down on one ring and said. ” Sarah-Jane, I have loved our time we’re ve had together so far, and I am so happy that you will be the mother of my child- now will you marry me or not?” Just joking on the last part. I said yes and when we get married we’ll most likely carry you down the aisle in a little basket.
Your grammy Sullivan is so excited that you’ll be born. I bought grammy a pair of Amythyst earrings as that will be your birthstone when you are born. We’re going to Halifax to see her, your grampie, your aunts and uncle Josh in just a couple of weeks.
Before we fly to Nova Scotia mommy’s midwife checked her blood pressure and said everything looks fine. Your heartbeat sounds perfect too!
The other night I had a dream you were a little boy. Whether you are a boy or a girl doesn’t matter to me but I can’t wait to get to the bottom of that dream.
Now- onto how I look after you already.
Mommy is thinking of eating vegetarian for the rest of the pregnancy. I have learned that I can still give you all the nutrients you need without eating meat products. I cook lots of live and healthy foods for you. You seem to like them as you flutter after I finish eating.
Your daddy always buys chocolate cookies and sweets that tempt me but for the most part I ram some down my throat and pretend they’re chocolate and peanut butter balls of yummy.
Finally, I have been reading to you. Maybe when you read this you’ll remember me reading it to you. I read Roald Dahl’s “Vicar of Nibbliswicke” Your daddy laughed the whole way through. When I go back to Nova Scotia I will get you some more books and read them to you.
We love you very much.
P.S- We now think that if you are a girl we will call you Ena-May Evelyn. Or Ina-May. You choose ☺
July 18, 2011- You’ve been in my belly for 13 weeks…I only found out 4 days ago.
Hello little baby. I feel kind of silly writing to you. Other mummies have recommended I do it, and I do have a lot to say to you, but you don’t exist in my life yet so I feel strange.
In the same breath I write that I feel extatic. You will be the most impartial critiquer of my writing. I hold my breath before I send a draft of anything and clinch every muscle in my body when an editor comes back with their criticisms and clean ups. You’re just my impartial little wombling. You’ll say nothing.
Though some day you may read this and know that I love you from the moment I knew you were inside me. Daddy loves you too.
How about I tell you the story of how we came to know about you? I had just moved from Nova Scotia to Vancouver about three months prior. Your dad and I had been living apart. I lived and worked in West Africa and daddy patiently waited for me to return.
When I did, I moved to Vancouver. We had only been together a short time and discussed having children some day but we didn’t know you would come into our lives so soon. I started feeling a little sick which is a side effect of you being in my body and I was very sleepy from my body working so hard to create you. I didn’t know why at the time.I had contracted a couple of infections in Africa and thought I was fending the, off and adjusting to living in a new place.
Daddy and I weren’t planning on having you for at least another year.
I was referred by my doctor for urinary bladder ultrasound as I was sure the weird tummy things that were going on were just a lingering parasite.
One night I just couldn’t take it anymore and I bought a test to let me know if I was pregnant. Your Dad and I took a look at it and read the instructions, we came to the conclusion the test was negative. We weren’t having you. I went to bed.
Two week’s later I was looking at you on a screen……the Urinary Bladder Ultrasound quickly became an Obstetrical one.
Your dad hadn’t read the pregnancy test correctly……
Deep down I was so happy and instantly decided I would treat you the best way I could. It was a confusing time for your Ma and Pa. I was not working and finding my way in a new city. I was 30 years old and ready to be a mom but didn’t feel very financially equipped to support you. But-we decided we would make it work. Because your ma and pa loved the idea of you even more.
So- now we are three and a bit months pregnant with you. You make me tired less and less but when I sleep I am so careful not to sleep on my belly so as not to crush you, even though you are only a little bigger than a tangerine. I have started practicing yoga especially for mummies so I can keep myself healthy. The only thing I struggle with is your little sweet tooth. I used to love salads and vegetables but you have changed that. You like chocolate, ice cream and peanut butter and jam sandwiches. You have bewitched your mom’s diet….but you are forgiven.
I hope you start liking fish and vegetables so I can feed your little brain and make you the smartest little Steele-Schuler you can be. Here is a picture of you at 13 weeks old. Maybe you can see it some day. I love you little bean.